I had a car accident today, is this what Bipolar feels like?

Firstly, I’m fine. No injuries.

Just a roller coaster of emotions and I feel….

….EXHAUSTED.

To start with I was following a car who was sooooooo slow. I’m talking 15-20mph.

Cars this slow in a 40mph zone are ANNOYING.

I was HAPPILY singing to the radio but It was 3.15 so I was running late for school pick up. 

I was feeling a bit ANXIOUS too.

He broke gently. Then hard. Then sped up. Then stopped! Then drove on, slowed, sped up and then stopped.

*BANG*

I went into the back of him. I now felt ANGRY and FRUSTRATED. What the hell was he doing? 

We got out our cars and he instantly was shouting and effing and jeffing at me.

Now I felt INTIMIDATED, slightly SCARED, I was shaking and PANICKING about picking my daughter up on time.

I’ve never had an accident before so I wasn’t entirely sure what I was supposed to do. 

I now felt NERVOUS so had to call mummy friends to collect my daughter and my husband to see what I needed to do.

Now it was EMBARRASSMENT and REGRET.

 

The driver’s car had minor scratches. I need a new bumper, lights and number plate. 😦
 I tried to hold a stiff upper lip (how British) and was pleased when I could leave and get home.

But this all happened in just a few minutes and I feel utterly shaken and needed a lie down.

Is this a concentrated emotional roller coaster of how Bipolar sufferers, like my husband, feel?

Well if it is, it feels rubbish!!!!! Totally sucks. 100%!

Initially my husband was more concerned about the car, then me. He was great sorting everything out with the insurance but did tell me to pull myself together and move on.

I said “what if I said that to you?!”

He nodded, gave a knowing smile and hugged me. A moment of mutual understanding perhaps?

I just wish it didn’t have to cost hundreds of pounds. 

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He loves me!

I knew it! I bloody knew it!

But there’s a difference between knowing and feeling it.

And this morning when i opened my Christmas card, i felt it.

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Seeing those few words thanking me, has made a world of difference.

It erases the times when his Bipolar told me that i’m not helping, or that it’s my fault he’s ill or that he ‘wasn’t like this before he met me’ and all the times when I’ve felt I’ve really put my all into helping him but to no avail.

(I’m new to this too. Fingers and thumbs and all that)

 

He’s in a really good place at the moment (today) and i actually don’t think it took him too much trouble to write this card for me. It came from the heart, and that’s why i felt it.

Merry Christmas to me.

 

 

 

The moment i realised i’m a Martyr to my Bipolar Husband

I had a crap night’s sleep last night.

I was even sleeping in the spare room as little F had crept in to our bed, and then STARFISHED so i moved rooms at 3.52am.

Dozed until 5am.

Then did a Tesco food shop at 5.25am (clothes on top of PJs and no bra! How liberating!)

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I don’t really like our bed anyway, it’s too hard, and if i’m honest the duvet is too heavy.

And then it dawned on me. I’m a Martyr.

I put up with a load of stuff and sacrifice what i like, just because it makes HIS life easier.

Do all partners of loved ones with Bipolar have martyrdom ways in order to live a more peaceful life? Or am i just a wife and that’s what we ‘do’?

So while he’s not looking, i’m just going to throw some stuff into the web ether of what completely and utterly (sometimes) irritates the hell out of me.

  • I sleep on a hard bed, because he likes hard beds. I don’t.
  • I get up in the night with our daughter because if his sleep is broken, life is rubbish.
  • I make a conscious effort to eat quietly because i’m too noisy – apparently
  • I drink with a straw because my gulping sound is too loud (WTF)
  • I sleep with the window open, because he likes the window open.
  • I take the things he buys back to the shops because he bought them on a whim and doesn’t wan them anymore.
  • I stay up late writing and helping him with his work presentations when all i want is to collapse on the safer
  • I don’t cook jacket potatoes, because he doesn’t like jacket potatoes. I love them (with beans if you’re interested. Very Slimming World compliant)
  • I drive the car that he wants to drive even though it was my money that bought it (he now doesn’t like it)
  • I lost 2 stone because he thought it would help his libido if i lost the baby weight – i then put 3 back on. (it didn’t help anyway, and my boobs shrunk)

 

How much of this do you put down to his diagnosis or just being a ‘man’?

I struggle with this thought a lot – weighing up what i deserve and want against the ‘ in sickness and in health vow’ i made back in 2008 (pre-diagnosis).

But at the end of the day I love him, and I know he loves me and our daughter. We are his EVERYTHING.

 

Tiredness does funny things to you. For him, it’s a trigger. For me, it’s a time to be a little grumpy and to vent on a blog.

I’m going downstairs now to give him a hug, because even though i haven’t written any down, he does do a lot of stuff for me. Just sometimes not the stuff i need – or want.

Helping a first time mum keep sane

I won’t lie. Babies can totally mess with your head.

Self doubt, lack of sleep, relationship changes, missing the old you….

It’s frickin intense. 

So when i got this message from my heavily pregnant best friend (who is completely bricking it/in denial) I was surprised….

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Hang on. Advice? Me?! Really?

It turns out i’ve probably had this ‘wisdom’ for about 4 and half years according to results from a survey by Nurofen for Children.

Result!

They found that most first time mums felt confident after about 6 months. So what on earth could this advice have been that i shared with my friend?

*Racks tired brain* 

  • Wear a long sleeved nightie with buttons down front for breastfeeding

Night time feeds are COLD, so my motto is to get your boobs out and keep your arms warm. In that Nurofen survey, 69% of new mums said they felt knackered. I know from experience how sleep deprivation can impact parent’s health (but don’t let that scare you), keep snuggly.

  • Never EVER Google

 

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A girl at work once googled this. *face palm*

For reliable and unscary web info, start with established sites like Mumsnet.com and Netmums.com. For health, nhs.uk is great, and brand’s websites/Facebook often have expert and mum chat too.

  • Don’t pretend you know what you’re doing

Good news! You WILL have mother’s instinct! Bad news – you won’t believe it for months. Baby’s health, feeding and sleep patterns will be your biggest grey hair creator (as backed up by that survey), so do ask and accept help. Some stuff will seem weird; I remember squirting breast milk into my daughter’s eye to get rid of conjunctivitis. Randomly, it worked.

Other topics we covered

  • Get a dog walker for the early days – babies do not leave on demand
  • Don’t freeze breast milk – you can, but the whole process is such a faff
  • Freeze food instead – cook now, eat later
  • Buy a nappy bag with zips galore – you’ll keep everything in it
  • You can reheat cups of tea in the microwave – who knew?!
  • Gauge temperature by kissing forehead – amazing trick

I don’t know when my ‘turning’ point was, confidence creeps up on you with each nappy change, but it does happen.But whenever it happens…it does happen. And it’s a really wonderful realisation, so hang on in there.


 

 

 

I am a member of the Mumsnet Bloggers Network Research Panel, a group of parent bloggers who have volunteered to blog about a specified subject or review products, services, events and brands for Mumsnet. I have editorial control and retain full editorial integrity. I have been entered into a prize draw to win a £100 voucher as a token of thanks for this post. 

Please note that this post is not intended to contain any medical advice. Always contact your own doctor or health professional if you have any concerns about your child’s health.

(i) Survey of 2,000 parents with a baby under 6 years old, commissioned by Nurofen for Children (May 2014)

(ii) Survey of 2,000 mums by One Poll, commissioned by Nurofen for Children (October 2013)

Want more date nights? Start Twitter and blogging

Well this is embarrassing.

I started @immagicalmaggie Twitter and blog about 5 weeks ago.

Previously, we rarely had date nights. The ‘relationship’ books says we should, but we didn’t…babysitters, cost, hub’s bipolar. Blah blah blah.

Anyway in this last month since he’s been signed off sick, and I’ve started this social media thing, we’ve had 4.

FOUR!

Yes, four.

And two lie-ins.

Cinema date 3/12/15. Involved cuddling and hand holding.

Twitter and WordPress should really  have this is as their USP (unique selling point).

I wonder what would happen if Magical Maggie had a Facebook page or, even Pinterest…..

Fertility?

Lottery win?

Miraculous cure for Bipolar?

What it is proving to me is that by talking a litte more openly, and in this case, asking family to help us through my hub’s latest episode, we’re getting time for US.

And I think it’s helping – especially with the sleep deprivation.

Big thanks to Hotel mum and dad who have had little F (and me) for the odd night here and there.

I hope I’m as ace as them when I’m 66.

Hub update: 4th week off sick (but it’s good)

Our environment is changing. I’m seeing glimmers of positivity and optimism returning to my husband.

Phew

This is the longest stint he’s ever had off work and thank God/heavens/lucky pants* his work are seeming to be amazeballs at handling this episode

*delete as appropriate

He’s visited work today to see the Occupational Health people. They don’t want him back until his other docs give him a Fit For Work paper. And suggested he goes back 2/3 days a week – Mon, Wed, Fri.

Previously he’s spoken to the boss man. And the boss man’s boss. AND the boss man’s boss’s deputy (still with me? i.e. important people). They have ALL been so incredibly supportive and each department continues this theme.

<insert relieved happy face>

Mind-logoThe company’s charity is Mind, so I expected them to be very sensitive, but i have to admit that they have exceeded my expectations.

How clever is my husband, to be SO good at a job, where the company are mature and brilliant enough to take mental health just as seriously as the work they actually do?!

We’re still early days, but today I have had three updates from my husband before 11am

  1. Sent me a picture of his Xmas themed coffee cup on the train (Slang for he’s feeling positive)
  2. Sent me an email update straight after meeting with his work (feeling uplifted enough to be bothered to write)
  3. Sent me a ps note ( see below and make your own conclusions)

Yes. His work has a ‘library’. More like a few books on a shelf to be honest!

How much is a tooth these days? Spoiler: angry post

I’m only 36, but in my day the tooth fairy flew in, took your sugar encrusted pearly white and left you 20p or 50p ( if it was a ‘big’ one). 

Now little F has just started to loose hers, I thought I’d better check out what the Tooth Fairy is up to in this millennium. 

Anna’s on tooth fairy lookout
 And then I found this website which said…

“Losing teeth is a rite of passage. Make the occasion extra special with these fun Tooth Fairy ideas.”  

WTF?

But surely periods are a proper rite of passage, what with joining the fertile gang and all that. And I know no one who gets a gift or personalised tampon each month. 

So let me get this straight, I have to do something special EVERY time she loses a tooth from from now on? 

Oh no. I feel elf on the shelf pressure building. (Don’t get me started on this one).

The problem is, that  if I do something once, she WILL remember and expect it EVERY time. She’s like an elephant.

 I sound a bit grumpy and I don’t really mean to be. I’m super proud of my daughter growing up and everything that goes with it – including teeth.
So, having looked a little into this teething phase 2 phenomenon, I’m thinking that these personalised books, fairy pillows and initialed drawstring bags are a bit, naff.

And hassle.

In our house we function better when things are simple. the added stress of finding where we left the &@£!ing drawstring bag each time, would not be healthy. 

Plus, it’s me, alway me, who embellishes our family life with the nice-to-have stuff, Hub  just can’t handle the extra thinking.

 So for now I’m going to pick and choose what ‘traditions’ we do. And I think a £1 per tooth is fine, it’s a 500% increase  from my day – and enough for her to buy a Shopkin toy.