48 breastfeeding techniques and a knit tit

My best friend is a new mum and she’s finding the mental and physical demands of motherhood tough, especially having a 3 month old dangling from her bruised stretched nipples 24/7.

*winces at the memory*

So I tried to remember some anecdotes from my 9 month stint as little F’s official milk provider to cheer her up. Everything from having a midwife manhandle my bosom into baby’s mouth minutes after birth to when someone thought there’d been a road traffic accident because my husband held up my white pashmina  (I lived in South London  OK?!) like a screen, as I tried to dock my half naked torso into my baby’s screaming mouth.
Then there were the proud photos my husband took of the bottles of milk i was producing. We were all living on the edge in sanity back then.

But the story she really howled at, was the one about the breast feeding class i went to. The teacher produced a knitted boob where…

She triumphantly strapped it to herself.

She then ceremoniously laid a doll on the floor.

She then straddled the doll on all fours.

And then lowered her body with attached knit tit  until it flopped into the doll’s mouth.

I mean. COME ON! Who does that? Can you imagine doing that in Starbucks? Anyway, as I was looking for a good picture to show you, I came across this unbelievable chart with no less than 48 insane breastfeeding positions. No. 29 demonstrates my knit tit experience, but there are some corkers in this lot…..(Scroll below for my descriptions.)

48 BF techniques.png

  1. Pins and needles pose
  2. Standard pose
  3. Why would you do that?
  4. Starbucks pose
  5. Desperate pose
  6. I’m never going to be able to get up from this, pose
  7. Let the baby breathe woman!
  8. Leaning against the sofa pose
  9. Collapsed mess pose
  10. The baby can stand?? pose
  11. Baby trying to run away from this weird position pose
  12. Baby being dragged back to feed pose
  13. Another Starbucks pose
  14. Cuddle on the sofa pose
  15. I’m going to fall asleep any second pose
  16. I am SO tried pose
  17. 12am pose
  18. 1am pose
  19. 2am pose
  20. 3am pose
  21. 4am pose
  22. I am completely knackered pose
  23. 5am pose
  24. I surrender pose
  25. Yoga pose
  26. Having a poo pose
  27. Baby? What baby pose? Now let me into this night club.
  28. Knit tit 1 pose
  29. Knit tit 2 pose
  30. 69 pose? SO WRONG
  31. Sniff the nappy pose
  32. Nipple tassell pose
  33. Newsreader pose
  34. Stupid pose
  35. Look! No hands pose
  36. I just can’t keep up pose
  37. Just effing help yourself while mummy sleeps pose
  38. OMG i’ve got two pose
  39. Three’s company pose
  40. Mummy needs a lie down pose
  41. You’re getting. Too. Heavy. For. This pose
  42. I’ll try not to drop you pose
  43. Porno pose
  44. On the bus pose
  45. Woman Warrior pose
  46. 1950’s housewife pose
  47. What? Surely that’s drowning?
  48. Not happy about this one either.

I’ve not blogged for a few weeks, what with Easter and school holidays, I shall soon and give you an update on life with the Bipolar one and the is she/isn’t she ASD one. But writing this blog has made me smile, so job done.

Until next time

M x

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